Feeling Lost

I’ve been angsting an awful lot on this blog, and even more in real life. The problem here is that I didn’t used to care about any issues in the real world except things that effected me personally, or creative freedom. Then I went to India in January 2011 to study Buddhism on a college trip. Religions that are not my own have often fascinated me (though Christianity is hardly uninteresting to me). But having learned a great deal about Buddhism and having liked a lot of the tradition’s principles I find the most challenging thing about it to be the interconnectedness they teach.

It’s a challenge for me because I used to hate hanging around with crowds, and they still make me uncomfortable. In addition to that, I’ve often hated people, I mean really hated them. This hatred has been very damaging to my life, and I’ve been trying to recover from the way I was in high-school for years. Along with trying to understand other people and showing compassion I don’t really want to change, and I don’t want to confront my problems.

I tell myself I shouldn’t feel as though I have to be anything I’m not. Even if I can, why bother impressing people? Why do I want to show kindness or compassion for other people? What meaning can that truly have?

I think with my previous mid-life crisis for a 20-something posts I’ve scratched the surface of this issue. Like post people I don’t want to change, but I still know I have to keep growing or I’ll never become a person I really respect. It goes for writing. It goes for talking to people. It goes for every aspect of my life. So here I go, trying to remember who I am and figure out who I want to be.

It’s weird, because we’re told growing up that you should always be yourself. That simply is not true. I grew up being someone I thought I should be, and figured out late in high school that I was back then was a serious problem. I don’t think it’s a bad thing that people can’t usually be what they’d initially hoped to be in their lives. No one knows what they really want out of life when they start waking up to their full potential. Even the most directed and driven person is probably lost as a teenager, due to a combination of naiveté and general lack of experience as well as brainwashing from all the sources out in the world.

Lately I’ve been worrying that my memory is not as strong as it used to be. I’ve been sleeping more than ever since graduation and now with the new school year starting I feel more lost than ever. With that I think I’d really better get back to reading and writing fiction. But I want you readers out there to know that despite my lack of fame and fortune and even drive to work or be good person I think we all have to try for those last two at least. Good luck to all of you who want to see the world a better place.

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3 thoughts on “Feeling Lost

    • I’ve not finished Siddhartha yet, though I’ve heard any other versions of the story, so perhaps that’s what is slowing me down on that one.

      • Tis a good one. Also, when I am feeling particularly down I pick up “Zen Miracles: Finding Peace in an Insane World” by Brenda Shoshanna. It helps if only for a little while. Hang in there! Hugs!

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