Yes, writing calls like Cthulhu as I go on editing. Today I took a break from working on the 7th draft of this book to relax. I’m approximately half the way through the draft, and so far things are progressing nicely. Through peace and quiet I think I am moving toward a far more satisfactory book. Nevertheless I want to write new things. I often have this feeling. It’s the same old cheese monster Ze Frank talks about, but in a different form. I think I’ll dub it my grass green monster. And yes, this monster is a constant force in my life.
Through my battles with the grass green monster I have found I usually want to do something absolutely other to what I should be doing, at least if I think too much. It’s a symptom of my ego, I suppose. Frequently my unconscious arrogance puts me in a situation where I know my goal lies in one direction, but instead I turn and amble the opposite way. It is at times like these a blog such as this one is useful. Publicly viewable journals help me feel the need to be accountable for my deeds and motives.
I see the problems, but without accountability I turn away. This is not unique, I fear. However, it is a consistent problem. I feel as though I am repeating myself, but this is important: I need to focus one important thing at a time. I do not have the stability of powers to hold the whole world before me and comprehend it all simultaneously. Given that, I have scarcely the power to see my whole present. The world grows more complex by the day, in spite of my isolation here. What a joy to know that the complexity can come from within, rather than just from without.
Perhaps the way I think is too expansive? Perhaps I need to shorten my reach and grasp the details rather than the vast images that float in the sky. For all this is made of detail. I ramble too much. We who are not sure of ourselves are not always sure of our goals. For me the long term is still in site, but the short term is far away. I am pleased to be here tonight, where I am. But I want to be elsewhere eventually. I want to stride out of this place. That would be ideal.