First off, sorry for that last rant. It got pretty stream-of-consciousness even for this blog. Oh well, here I am writing again for the blog. This probably does not bode well, but I want to explore my current issues with writing and pressure.
As I may have mentioned before, I recently got some helpful but harsh criticism from a number of beta readers. Most of it will be useful, I think, but not yet. I still need to process and remove my emotions from it. That last is the challenging part.
Criticism aside, I think I’m growing to regret going to the Out of Excuses 2013 Retreat for a few reasons. Despite my raving upon my return it’s time that tells for these things. I am young, and not very good at managing my emotions. I work best by showing as few of them as possible to strangers and sometimes that doesn’t work either. A week like Out of Excuses was one of the hardest things I could have done short of going to a large convention. As opposed to sitting at home and hammering out words, these tasks are monumental for me, because they cost money which I have little of, and because they are emotionally and socially stressful.
It’s funny that I’m not particularly in love with my home life anymore, but it is comfortable. What isn’t funny is the way I feel around peers. I had this problem in high school most acutely, but it still remains, especially when other writers are around. I’m jealous. I’m angry at them for being like me. I don’t want to armchair why I feel this way. I feel it, and I need to control it not escape it. Why control it? Anger and jealousy are powerful emotions. Under the right pressure and with the right fuel I could find the will to write more, work harder, think clearer, and improve quicker.
I guess there is a certain amount of pressure that is good. I need to find it for myself. But there are certain kinds of negative opinion, the dismissive sort of the kind I am well used to from my elders, these I see so far as useless. I encountered one prominent example of this at the retreat. Frankly, it ruined my opinion of this individual over the course of the week.
I’m not going to name any names, but it is tough to be dismissed out of hand by someone you once admired. Again, the emotions.
Oh well, that’s it for today. Happy mid-month. Happy, happy.