A realization about community

Hey, folks. Been a while. I’ve been writing a bunch over the past 3 weeks or so since the last blog post. I thought I’d use NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) to try to up my monthly word count from around 30,000 words to 50,000 or more.

Initially I was aiming for 100,000 words this month. I’ve reach 30,000, but I don’t think 100k was a pipe dream. I write pretty fast per hour. In fact, I haven’t put much time into the writing this month. I feel like I’ve been lazy. And you know what? That may be true.

I don’t blame NaNoWriMo, not completely at least. But it’s been an odd experience. The community element has involved me pretty obsessively, kinda like a longer but less involved version of the retreat I went to over the summer. The connection between these two things has led me to a bit of a realization.

I don’t like feeling I’m part of a community of writers.

As soon as I hit on that sentiment I knew it had to be at least half true. I’m used to being the most fiction focused writer in my life. The facebook group I joined related to both NaNoWriMo and the Roundtable Podcast is great. But it’s also full of people who tear up the illusion that I’m somehow ‘special’ just for writing. I needed that illusion removed. I needed to remove the schadenfraude I’ve always had for having made my decision to write fiction over nine years ago.

I don’t deserve to feel special because I write. Nobody does. The art should be its own reward. Racing other people does not help me as much as hurt me. Maybe I’m alone in this, and that’s fine. I like being different.

I think NaNoWriMo’s a good idea. I like the Roundtable NaNo facebook group (RoTaNoWriMo). The people there are great. But it’s not the stuff I need to feel good.

So now I’m gonna go write. I’m gonna do my best to feel alone.

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