My problem isn’t the fact that my work needs criticism, though it does. My problem is that I really don’t handle criticism well. Usually I can throw an entire novel aside because I received even a little negativity about it, and most of the time when I receive criticism I don’t get just a little negativity. I get a lot.
Yes, I am probably a bit too insecure about my work. I’m too afraid of something I spent a lot of time on being terrible to write well, and I’m too dedicated to this pursuit to relax about it.
What can I say, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
Been trying to use an alarm the past few days. Didn’t work well. So here I go, writing one of these negative posts that gets all meta on itself.
I get new criticism tonight. I wish I’d finished the book first. But its been slow going. I get new criticism, so I probably will never finish it now. I often get lazy as I move into middle of a story anyway. Pitching this book will feel merciful at this point, though I know it will be wrong if I do it.
Madness it seems, has a way to creep into my life.
Why should I abandon something I’ve worked on for three months just because some group of people I barely know probably won’t get it? Why do I beat myself up before I even know their opinions? Why do I fail to understand that the point of criticism is to make work better, not tear it down?
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. As I have the past week straight, and many times before. I am quickly learning to hope for less weird dreams, but it seems they’re back to stay, donuts and losing games and all.
Perhaps this form of poetry is tiresome, but I did once love this book. I don’t know if I love it anymore. But I must press on. I must not let the fact that what I’ve written so far might be terrible stop me. I must face fear rather than run from it. I must face my embarrassment at being unskillful in my delivery methods. I must. I must. I must.
I must remember why I’m writing this book in the first place. For me writing is an act of discovery. And the act of discovering a different universe and different people is enjoyable, even if it isn’t alway easy.
* * *
Thought for the day: Don’t end in the same mindset which you began unless that mindset is truly beautiful.
Animal of the day: Golden Lion Tamarin
Because even a monkey can also be a lion.