I woke up this morning, not willing, not ready. I woke up lazy and not wanting to do anything. That doesn’t mean I can hesitate in my task. I have deadlines to meet. I have missions to accomplish.
But I often feel paralyzed by my own desires. I want to work on one project, and know I need to do something absolutely different. I have a lot of nervousness in life, but I’m not sure if this fear exactly, so much as it is a lack of direction. Perhaps a better way to describe it would be a lack of will to go all out in one direction.
The weekend proved quite good for me. Monday I did a fair amount of work. Today I would like to take it to a higher level, but I don’t see that happening. For some reason I’ve for some sort of speed limit, self-imposed, on my writing both for others and for myself. True, my fingers started aching before I took my lengthy break yesterday, but that was not it. I am always looking for excuses to quit.
What I need to be looking for are excuses to keep going. I am not a weak person deep inside. I am only weak because of my lack of training lately. To train I need to work more each day. I need to stay on task longer and longer. I need to practice being a real writer, instead of being a hobbyist in time commitment. This is not universal advice. But writing is my day-job. I have to treat it like that.
Trepidation. Fear. Moral Paralysis. These are for people with other things in their lives. I do not have those things.
I must stop hesitating.
I may fear, but it must not stop me.
Moral Paralysis, is for people stuck in a James Joyce story. It’s a constructed kind of hopelessness that I need to erase from my mind.
These things could still stop me today, or at least slow me down. But if I work at it, I can throw off their influence eventually. And if I continue to fight against the things that slow me down, then they will not last forever. I can be free of them, as can anyone struggling with this sort of situation.
It’s time to write. It’s time to work for freedom from my hang-ups.