There is always someone out there better than you at what you do. In my case, I think this applies to just about everything. It doesn’t help that I woke up late and felt lousy and frustrated from minute one of returning to consciousness. Even so, I want to complain.
I’m autistic, and though my condition is extremely mild I feel it all the time. I’m slow on the uptake most of the time. My skills are weaker than they would be if I wasn’t autistic, and I find it difficult to work enough to make up for it.
There is no even playing field. Life isn’t fair, and it cannot be fair.
Once I accept the fact that I’m never going to be a match for, let’s say my twin brother’s skills and persistence, I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. Obviously, the only answer is to keep trying to get better at the stuff I care about. However, that is not a solution. There is no solution to these issues of mine. Probably everyone feels this way. Possibly my autism diagnosis makes me feel weaker, less hopeful.
I used to think I could become really good at what I did, but I’ve always been struggling just to get to normal. People don’t usually like the things I write in my main area, fiction. I hate that. I hate that I’m seemingly unable to ever get better at this ridiculous craft.
It’s happened two mornings in a row now. I’ve felt like I was trying to wake up. And I couldn’t. Both times I felt like I was screaming but no sound came out. I hate that feeling. I’m just as trapped when I’m awake as I am while asleep.
I’m going to keep trying. Don’t ever I think I’ll give up. There just isn’t any better option than pushing forward.
Thanks for reading.