7 Minutes Without a Crossroads

Sometimes climbing gets tiring, folks.


Lately, I have neglected posting on this blog (As usual, I suppose) and in the next 7 minutes I want to explain a bit of how things are changing in my life.


First, I have an increased anti-depressant dose, as prescribed by doctor. It’s been a week, and energy levels are up already. I am pleased with those results, and they’re getting me back to the page more often.


Second, I am still hard at work on Well Country. I had to push the pre-orders I had up back by about a month each because of the slowness I’d been enduring before the increase in my prescription.


Third, I am in love with writing again. Hell, I may even be attracted to ACTUALLY reading books once more. I didn’t expect that to happen at all, but with a little of the energy I’m currently overflowing, I picked up my copy of “Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell” yesterday. It’s a traveling book I picked up at a convention several years ago and left untouched until yesterday.


I wouldn’t say I regret all my low-energy days, months, years…but I wish I had tried to get this kind of increased help sooner. So, I’m climbing again. I’m off the landing and moving up the staircase.


I’m typing fiction, non-fiction, and role-playing game material a bunch all through the last week. I’m seeing the world with more child-like wonder than I have in some time. While this post is not a PSA for anti-depressants (Everyone will have their own solutions to lethargy) I do intend this as a reminder to all you readers and myself not to leave yourself in lurch. Don’t give up, people.


I thought for years that I couldn’t get better. Much as before I got my CPAP machine, I thought that was the best things could feel. Well, I’m pleased to report I was wrong.


There is the timer. Stay safe and thanks for reading.

Flame Wind and the upcoming Ice War

Hey everyone!

I  have been a bit remiss in posting over the past month or so. This issue did not arise from a single problem but originated in a combination of depression, anxiety, and fatigue. I have never exactly been regular in my moods, but January seriously saw me down at times. Well, things are on the upswing again.

I am working on the third book in The Pillar Universe series, which is going pretty well at the moment. That book is entitled, Ice War, and marks the finale of the original story I wrote in this universe a few years ago.

After this, I will continue the series with more books, because I really have fallen for these characters and I’m confident more people will feel the same way.

In related news, I have the second book, Flame Wind out and never really announced it officially. Consider it official.

Thanks for reading. I will be back sooner rather than later.

Wild Swings

diagram-baby-bathwater

A quick recap of some unhappy circumstances from last year.

My grandfather passed away in August 2015. At that point, I had been on anti-depressant medication for over 5 years.

I wanted to write some sort of tribute to him. Still do. I couldn’t seem to find the words, and I felt pretty bad about it. In hindsight, I think it was because it can be difficult to think about ways to pay tribute to someone who said more with action and work than language.

Anyway, I struggled with all my writing back then, and I felt trapped. I decided to try a few days without my anti-depressants and see what happened. Turns out things worked pretty well. I wrote a novel I like a good a deal and finally managed to publish a long work, that new novel, a few months later.

I also talked to my doctor about the anti-depressants. She told me that if I felt fine it would be okay not to take them, but also that the full effect of leaving the medication might not be felt for some time.

Things definitely swung back toward the end of this summer. Anyone who has read any of my posts over the past few weeks will see some major ups and downs. Swings of the emotions. And I went back to daily cycles where I started out positive, only to gradually lose hope over the course of the day.

My thoughts over the past two weeks, in particular, have been atrociously dark and ruinous. I’m sorry for all the worry.

And on top of all of this, my writing productivity hit the wall. As of now, I’ve only written roughly 120,000 words for the year. In prior years with my anti-depressants, I did double or triple that, at the least.

So, today, I took one of the anti-depressants prescribed to me again. I had a few left over from last year. We will see if this helps. I felt so rotten I was willing to try it.

I’ve sometimes mentioned to people during philosophical discussions I want a diagram for a particular symptom of absolutist thinking.

That is the image on this post. Remember the metaphor, as I should have done with my anti-depressants.

Thanks for reading.

Scraps of Positivity

Depression is an ugly thing to handle. I am currently trying to accumulate some willpower to act when I feel down. It’s easier when I watch TV and read stories regularly. So I’m upping my media intake.

I am now past the halfway point of the current book. On the downslope, but who knows when this month I’ll finish the project. Still, if I’m done with this rough draft by November I’ll be pleased.

Other than that, I am still battling to stop my food binges from ruining my diet. Food binges also make it more difficult for me to write, because of the resulting digestion tiredness that follows each one.

Stories, words, food. That’s my life right now. I’m also in the middle of my first freelance project in quite some time. Not a bad restart to my freelance career.

I’m not feeling like a topic of any depth today. Thanks for reading.

Feels Like Death

There are some mornings when I wake up with a useless sense of sadness. Today was one of them.

Maybe its because my grandparents are being moved into a home at last. And thinking about that makes me feel awful, and afraid of the future.

Maybe its because I slept in, or because I didn’t do the game I was running last night justice because I was too tired.

Its probably a combination of those things. I woke up, and nothing feels good. I have no drive.

Even writing this post has been difficult. I stared at the page, went away, came back. I didn’t feel good when I started this post. And I don’t feel much better now.

I’m posting here anyway, to say this isn’t over. Not today.

A Snapshot of an Evening Mood

(I wrote this post last night, because I have a busy morning ahead of me. Warning, it may sound bleak and depressing)

Another day. Another series of fuck ups great and small punctuated at either end by sleep. Another failure.

That’s the worst way I end a day. It’s not how I feel right now, but its close enough.

Why?

Well, I can’t say exactly why. Let it suffice that I’m working freelance and I don’t want to do this much longer.

I don’t like living other people’s realities. I don’t like trying to tell people what to think. And I’m writing something that means both. I don’t like it. But I will do it. Take the bitter pill, the hard medicine, the only kind one never forgets.

I like MY dreams. I like my monsters. But perhaps I don’t like them enough. I’ve been driven to write for almost ten years and before that I was creating monsters and worlds and small stories on their lonesome for roleplaying games and myself. But maybe I don’t like it enough. That’s a depressing thought. If I don’t enjoy writing as much as I used to then what am I supposed to do as its what I’m now being paid to do?

This question is all I have today. My father suggested that perhaps I don’t really like writing that much. But he knows nothing about me in this regard. He and I have never understood why the other does the things the other does. Still, I’m afraid this time he may be right. As these years of writing have gone on I have diminished in enthusiasm from the peak some five years ago. Never after that have I been as excited to actually put words down.

Of course my love of life has never been high. Perhaps I’ve been too invested in the trappings of happiness. Friends, family, fun.

The real heart of happiness is not in those things, at least not for me. When those are helpful at all they still eventually leave me breathless and hollow, as much as I enjoy them. They do not sustain me. But does my work? I don’t know. Perhaps its just that I’ve not worked enough if work is what sustains. Am I like a starving man who does not have enough strength to feed himself and is doomed to wither away despite the feast now laid before me?

I doubt I am making much sense, but I hope you’ll forgive me.

Days get harder the longer they wear on.

(No features today, but I hope it goes better than the one that inspired this post. Instead, please accept this commentary on the above that wlll likely make me sound bipolar as it was actually written this morning)
* * *

Commentary

I don’t really like ‘work’. I want to have a good time. But I think this is a flawed approach to life and accomplishment. Obviously I should fine fun where I can, but practice can be boring. And I think thats normal. One of the reasons I’m afraid of writing, I think, is thaat I know how my work turns out when I write cold and outline too much. It isn’t good. But… I need to be able to do that, especially for freelance projects.

Also, I feel much better and more relaxed in the morning, especially the early morning.

In any event, I don’t have a lot of time his morning so this will have to do for now. Hope all is well with each of you.

New Year, Good Year

Happy New Year!

Now that I’ve got that taken care of, allow me to say that this year is already a good one.

I have been feeling better than I have in a long time. During December I started using David Burns’ excellent psychology help book, Feeling Good. I have to say, it has been the perfect solution to my malaise and general downerness. I don’t want to talk about the book right now, but I’ve dealt with depression and similar feelings pretty much for my whole life. I’m just beginning, but it feels amazing to be getting some of this under control.

I’ve been playing games online and on tables, spending time with my family, and enjoying life for a change. Enjoying things is of vital importance to me. I’m a weak person at heart and don’t usually have much stomach for unpleasantness.

I’ve been writing a new novel. It is, by far, the best one I’ve done yet. Mostly I think this is because I nailed down characters early and stopped worrying about prewriting the plotline altogether. A rant about ‘plot’ might be worthy of a post of its own.

I am also working on a series of stories to self-publish as ebooks. Look for more on that in the near future. I’m confident I’ve finally got things into place. Despite how off-base I felt my writing was even last year I think it’s time. This doesn’t mean I’m giving up on selling to the big five. It means I want to be a hybrid author publisher and traditional publisher.

It’s going to be a cold and busy month for me here in Minnesota. Good combination.